A MAN

A MAN

by 

Steven M. Apa

A Man takes a shower every day and always washes the unusual places; sometimes twice a day.  He brushes his teeth every morning and night; remembering to floss.  This is how you groom your hair.  Make a clean part of your hair on the left with a comb.  A Man never looks disheveled when he leaves the bathroom.  Go to the barber every six weeks.  If you change your hair style, make modest adjustments.  A Man never puts on socks with holes in them.  This is how to darn a sock.  A Man wears clean underwear and throws out the old; or uses them as rags to wash the car.  Always use deodorant so that you don’t draw unpleasant attention to yourself. 

A little cologne goes a long way.  A Man always wears a belt so that his trousers remain around his waist.  Tuck-in your shirt… neatness counts.  Clothes make the Man.  Always look your best even when you are alone; good habits are hard to set.  A Man never looks frumpy.  This is how you make a bed.  You never know if you will have a visitor.  Tidiness is next to Godliness.  Huh?  This is how you tie a half Windsor; this is how you tie a full Windsor; this is how you tie a bowtie if you should ever need to.  A Man never wears suspenders and a belt at the same time.  Your leather should always match; black shoes and a black belt.

Stand up straight; shoulders back; head up.  Be confident. Walk with confidence even when you don’t feel confident.  Don’t be rude or arrogant.  A Man is well thought of that is humble and contrite.  A Man can take care of himself.  Watch others and learn from what they do right.  Select those habits and style of living that you prefer and incorporate them into your own life.  If you associate with ‘winners’, you will become a ‘winner’.  If you associate yourself with ‘losers’, you will become a ‘loser’.  Never wear your baseball cap backwards.

A Man knows how to make a formal introduction.  This is how you shake a Man’s hand; look at him in the eye when you’re greeting.  This is how you introduce yourself to a lady.  This is how you introduce yourself to a young woman.  When entering a building, elevator, or room, you always allow the women to pass first.  A Man always holds the door for a woman; even if you don’t like her.  A Man never sits until the women at the table are seated.  A Man always puts his napkin in his lap at the table.  A Man never uses foul language when in mixed company.  A Man never leaves his date.  A Man always is polite to the waiter or waitress.  You should never be afraid to send back to the kitchen a poorly prepared entree.  A Man never drinks and loses control of his faculties.  You must never smoke, it makes you and your clothes stink; a very unhealthy and costly habit.  Drink occasionally and at social events.  Never gulp your cocktail or beer; you will get a reputation as a drunkard.  A Man has personal pride in himself.

Never chew with your mouth open.  Never use a toothpick at the table in front of others.  A Man always pays the dinner check when on a date.  A Man always opens the car door for his date or spouse, they will never forget it.  Never order appetizers if others at the table are passing.  A Man always waits for others to be served before eating.  Remember to eat slowly and take small bites so as to not appear unsophisticated.  Never suck your teeth at the dinner table.  If you accidently belch after eating, always excuse yourself without amusement.  Never adjust your crotch in public.  Remember to always say please and thank you; no one ever gets tired of politeness.   A Man never speaks with his mouth full of food. 

A Man knows that people generally gravitate toward happy people.  You should never look too serious.  A Man chooses his friends carefully.  You need only have a few close friends, and one or two very special friends.  A Man never gossips about others; it will always come back to you in a bad way.  Never tell a lie, you don’t lie well.  A Man can keep a secret.  Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, ‘knowledge is a burden’.  A Man thinks before he speaks.  Never interrupt someone that is speaking, you will embarrass yourself.

Learn to cook; you will never be beholden to anyone.  Get yourself a “Betty Crocker” cookbook so that you will never starve.  This is how you cook and egg.  This is how you scramble an egg.  This is how you cook an omelet.  This is how you make the coffee.  This is how you make marinara sauce.  This is how you cook a burger.  This is how you bake a cake.  This is how you make cookies.  Practice your cooking; you will find that it will come in handy.  This is how you set a table for breakfast.  This is how you set a table for lunch.  This is how you set a table for dinner.  Read the local newspaper; how else will you know what is going on in town.  Read “Time Magazine” if you want to have topics for small talk.  Never use big words in a conversation if you don’t know what they mean.  When you entertain, make sure that your guests feel welcome and comfortable in your home.  A Man greets his guests first and makes formal introductions to all other guests. 

Vacuum the kitchen and the family room when you come home from school.  This is how you dust.  Mop the floors, cut the grass, and sweep out the garage on Saturdays.  Inside is just as important as outside.  Chores will teach you discipline and responsibility.  This is how you iron a shirt. This is how you iron slacks.  This is how you separate the laundry.  This is how you operate the washing machine.  Never use too much detergent, and always dry the clothes with a “Bounce” sheet.  Wash your sheets and pillow cases every week.  You must do your part.  You can’t expect me to do it all.  Fold your clothes and put them away once they are clean. 

Never drink milk from the container and put it back in the fridge.  Never jam your toast, lick the knife, and put it back in the jam jar.  Clean up after yourself if you make something to eat.  This is how you properly wash tableware.  A Man’s kitchen is as clean as a laboratory. 

If you are sick, stay home and get plenty of rest.  Drink lots of water and juice.  Have honey in your kitchen, and drink plain hot tea and eat dry toast after you vomit.  Be considerate of others.  Act your age and others will respect you for who you are.  Don’t try to be someone you are not. 

If you borrow another Man’s tools, return them cleaned.  If you borrow someone’s car, return it with the gas tank full.  If the car is dirty, run it through a car wash first.  A Man keeps his car clean; inside and out.  This is how you change a tire.  This is how you replace the wiper blades.  This is how you check the air in the tires.  This is how you check the oil.  A Man never lets his automobile fall into disrepair.  Transportation is very important and must be a priority as to its maintenance.

A Man attends church on Sundays.  A Man is well dressed for service.  This is how you end your week.  This is how you begin your week.  You will never be alone if you belong to a congregation.  A Man sits in the pews attentive to the ceremony.  A Man knows how to say, “I am sorry.”  A Man knows how to graciously accept an apology.  This is how you put balance into your life.

Can we stop, I am getting a headache?

Enough for now; tomorrow is another day…